D 2162 
T4 
opy 1 



U.^//l^r.Ay 



POEM 



DELIVERED BEFORE 



THEIADMA 



HARVARD COLLEGE, 



THURSDAY, JBfsl; 27, 1850. 



A. WALLACE THAXTER. 



CAMBRIDGE: 
METCALF 4ND COMPANY, 

PRINTERS TO THE UNIVERSITY. 

1850. 



I 



k 



POEM 



DELIVERED BEFORE 



THE lADMA 



HARVARD COLLEGE, 



THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 1850. 



BY 



A. WALLACE THAXTER. 



CAMBRIDGE: 
METCALF AND COMPANY, 

PRINTERS TO THE UNIVERSITY, 

1850. 



-< 



Cambridge, Jane 28, 1850. 

Dear Sir : — 

At a meeting of the ladma, holden June 27th, it was 
voted to solicit for publication copies of the first annual 
oration and poem before that Society. 

We are most happy, as committee for the purpose, to ful- 
fil the order of the Society by requesting of you a copy of 
the poem for the printer. 

With feelings of delight and gratification, we are, Sir, 
&c., &c. 

E. E. Anderson, 
E. H. Neal, 
S. P. Jennison. 
Mr. a. Wallace Thaxter. 



f 



Cambridge, July 2, 1850. 

Gentlemen : — 

I have the honor of acknowledging the receipt of your 
courteous note, asking a copy of a poem delivered before 
the lad ma, on the evening of June 27th, 1850, for pub- 
lication. 

Conscious that it will not stand the test of a critical 
perusal, allow me, in complying with your request, to ask 
some indulgence for it as a " first attempt." 

I have the honor to remain, &c., &c. 

A. Wallace Thaxter. 
Messrs. E. E. Anderson, \ 

E. H. Neal, \ Committee. 

S. P. Jennison, ) 



In reply to a similar communication made to Mr. J. B. 
Kimball, the committee received a note refusing to allow 
the publication of the Oration. 



POEM. 



I WAS breakfasting one morn, half asleep and half 

awake. 
Endeavouring to masticate a very tough beefsteak, 
And sipping what the waiter denominated tea, — 
What tasted more like dishwater than real old Bo- 

hea, — 
When suddenly the door was oped. Immediately 

appeared 
A Sophomore with fierce moustache and an incipi- 
ent beard ; 
A Regalia in his mouth, a dicky huge and tall, 
And a hat whose rim terrific concealed his person 
small. 

2 



He sat him down beside me and smiled a ghastly- 
smile. 

Then, taking it from off his head, began to brush 
his '' tile " ; 

And knowingly he winked to me ; — quite a pecu- 
liar wink ; 

Not the jolly one inviting a friend to take a drink, 

But a sympathizing wink, a compassionate grimace, 

A queer, uncouth. Bob Logic like contortion of the 
face. 

A peal of laughter followed ; with a loud, stentorian 
roar, 

Prostrate he fell for very glee, and rolled him on the 
floor. 

And when he had recovered, and once again was still, 

I asked him what had rendered him so gay, — so 
volatile. 

'' Wherefore this joy ecstatic } Hast spent the 
livelong night 

In smoking Esculapios, — in getting jolly tight } 

Hast gone astray unwittingly } Hast fallen into 
error ? 

Hast pummelled guardians of the night ? Hast 
' punished that Madeira ' ? 



Hast been with beauteous maiden by moonlight 
gleam a rambler ? 

Hast ta'en a ' smile ' at Brigham's, — a punch at 
the Alhambra ? 

Hast ' hquored up ' at Parker's, — at Davenport's 
hast ' bled ' ? 

Hast imbibed a sherry-cobbler at the famous Gar- 
rick Head ? 

Hast made a call at Baker's with other jolly blades ? 

To drink a Tom-and- Jerry hast visited the Shades ? 

Didst relieve thyself at Morgan's of thy superfluous 
cash ? 

Or didst thou at the Pemberton absorb a brandy- 
smash ? 

Sub rosd art engaged to furnish arms and ammunition 

To ' Los Libertadores ' for the Cuban expedition ? 

Or yet, — though 't were incredible, — say, hast 
obtained a detur ? " 

Making a reverence, quoth he, ^' salve nunc^ 
poeta ! 

Prepare to be astonished ! ^ Stand firmly in your 
shoes,' 

And repress your agitation when you hear the fatal 
news : 



8 



Last evening the ladma its orator elected. 

And, to fill the poet's onerous post, yourself, my 

friend, selected." 
I incontinently tried to faint, but 't was of no avail ; 
My limbs still did their duty, though my spirit 'gan 

to quail. 
I sought some hope to borrow by thinking it a ''sell,'' 
By fancying it a fiction, my anguish to dispel ; 
But when I made inquiries, I found that he 'd asserted 
A simple, '' round, unvarnished tale," and not one 

word perverted ; 
That 't was no deceitful story with which I 'd been 

surprised ; 
In short, to use a classic phrase, that I was '' victim- 
ized." 
I felt the honor, and I ceased my fortune to deplore. 
Yet still I thought the compliment a most decided 

bore. 
As THE Iadma willed it, I cheerfully obeyed ; 
'^ The greatest poet for ideas more earnestly ne'er 

prayed." 

And now I 've ta'en the office, and must woo the 
Muse poetic. 
Grant me a shght excuse, — allow a word apologetic. 



To the title of a poet I Ve not the slightest claim, — 

Have perpetrated naught but trash most '' impotent " 
and '' lame " ; 

And I Ve a dread of rhyming, — 't is very danger- 
ous fun ; 

By trying it some years ago, I was regularly '' done." 

'T was w^hen I first w^s deep in love ; systematical- 
ly smashed ; 

'^ When, like comet, by my fancy's glass the imaged 
fair one flashed." 

When of Andrews' Latin Grammar I w^as a firm 
peruser, 

And after many nights of woe at last had mastered 

In my '' Dealings with the " Livings a girl I 

chanced to meet. 
With the tastiest bonnet of the day, the neatest 

black visite^ 
With the sweetest smile that ever a mortal could 

ensnare. 
With provoking, kiss-inspiring lips, and the darkest 

raven hair, 
And, as if she were determined all breastworks to 

assail, 
She had no pseudo-modesty and did n't wear a veil. 



10 

(When a holiday procession by her window chanced 

to pass. 
She a student could distinguish without an opera- 
glass,) 
Instanter I was '' smitten " ; I resolved to press my 

suit. 
And, could I see her once again, to address her 

coute que coute. 
That evening in my chamber I wrote some amorous 

verses. 
Swearing I 'd love her ever, through troubles, griefs, 

reverses. 
And if from odious spinsterhood she wished me to 

purloin her. 
When next she saw me on the street to bow, and T 

would join her. 
O, how I tugged and worked and strove those verses 

to compose. 
And how I cursed all poetry and wished I 'd taken 

prose. 
And how full often in despair I threw away my 

pen. 
And, when I 'd gained a new idea, — resumed it once 

again ! 



11 



When I had sent the verses, and waited for the mor- 
row 

Which was to fill my heart with joy, or burden it 
with sorrow, 

How slowly seemed to wear the time ! — each hour 
appeared a year, 

And the long-desired to-morrow I thought w^ould 
ne'er be here. 

And when the fatal day arrived when I was to know 
my doom. 

Which was to crown my ardent hopes or crush 
' them in their bloom, 

I took a port wine sangaree just to keep my temper 
mild ; 

But 't was so strong, that schoolmates asked what 
made me look so wild. 

When twelve arrived, the dreaded hour when I was 
to meet my fair. 

No artful '' dodge " to leave my school could I just 
then prepare, 

Till my ever-ready genius did a ^^ fancy " one pro- 
pose, — 

A complaint that 's very common now, — a bleed- 
ing at the nose. 



12 



I saw her on the street, but with a sneering, pitying 
gaze, 

When I doffed my hat and bent me low before her 
beauty's blaze, 

She curled her lip that I might see how much I was 
derided, 

And responded to my bow by a cut the most de- 
cided. 

That night I was quite frantic ; I thought of poi- 
sons, drugs. 

Of charcoal, arsenic, laudanum, and the stuff for 
killing bugs, • 

But on second thoughts concluded to die a natural 
death. 

And ^' throw physic to the dogs," like that nice 
young man, Macbeth. 

And since that time to woo the Muse I have never 
been inclined ; — 

'' For this night only," since you wish, I 'm induced 
to change my mind ; — 

I must say 't is a ^' grind," though — (perchance I 
spoke too loud) — 

I should have recollected here no grinding is al- 
lowed. 



13 



Yet to try my hand at scribbling why should I be 

a coward ? 
I may in time, perchance, become another ^' Waldo 

Howard." 
If I plagiarize unconsciously, pray do not criticize 
My unpretending doggerel with Aristarchian eyes, — 
Think a new poetic debutant unused to fiction's 

style, 
'^ As you know me all, a plain, blunt man," requests 

your favoring smile. 

I sing of Humbug, — not that which t' amuse some 
scores of dummies 

Imports a Swedish Nightingale or opes Egyptian 
Mummies, — 

Which hears ''Mysterious Knockings," — which 
gloats o'er each new mystery, — 

But Humbug as connected with a Cambridge Stu- 
dent's history. 

The Student 's now in embryo, counting the 
weary hours 
Before the next Commencement ; praying his 
guardian powers 



14 



To assist a poor '' Sub Fresh" at the dread Ex- 
amination, 

And free from all '^conditions " to insure his first 
vacation. 

For many weeks he ''crams" him, — daily does 
he rehearse 

" Incomprehensibilities " writ by Professor P=^*=^*=^. 

He cons the College Bible with eager, longing 
eyes. 

And wonders how poor students at six o'clock can 
rise. 

He reads concerning punishments with great delib- 
eration. 

And thinks that he would rather die than suffer 
" rustication." 

The awful day at last has come ; he dresses in 

his best. 
And with eager, anxious, bloodshot eyes, — (for 

not an hour of rest 
The night before has blest his couch,) — at four 

o'clock he rises, 
And on the '' Latin Scanning Rules " his memory 

exercises 



15 



For half an hour ''by Shrewsbury clock" : then, 

mounting on his beast. 
Betakes him to a hair-dresser, — I beg pardon, — - 

an artiste. 
And when the curling 's finished, he leaves his native 

glades. 
And wends his weary pilgrimage towards Harvard's 

classic shades ; 
Inquires for ''University," and, when he 's safely 

in it. 
Considers carefully his age up to the very minute. 
And when 't is safely registered, to breakfast swiftly 

hastes. 
And, gloating o'er the smoking cup, the Mocha (?) 

coffee tastes. 
Perchance in haste he burns his mouth, greases his 

Sunday vest, 
Or else he nearly chokes himself in trying to digest 
A chicken, dead of age alone, — that is to say, a hen ; 
But he thinks there 's "better luck next time " ; 

he '11 even "try again." 
He wonders at the custom, to which he 's yet unused, 
Of leaving without asking if one may be " ex- 
cused " ; 



16 



When his fellow-boarders twig him, and can't con- 
ceal their laughter. 

Considers if those wicked youths e'er think of an 
hereafter ; 

And if a wicked Sophomore at the waiting-maid 
e'er winks. 

Of warning her of masculines most seriously thinks. 

And when the first day 's over, he considers how to 
spend 

The coming stupid evening ; which way his steps to 
bend 

Long time his thoughts engrosses ; but in misery 
and gloom, 

He 's compelled to pass that evening in his soHtary 
room. 

And then that home-sick feeling which ne'er can be 
expressed ! — 

In which, as in Pandora's box, all evils are com- 
pressed ! — 

Our ^' Sub Fresh " has that feeling ; — in grief and 
in despair 

He reads the Pilgrim's Progress ; then whistles 
Rob Adair ; 



17 

Then on a well-known instrument, formed of paper 

and a comb. 
Expresses his conviction that there is ''no place 

like home." 
At last to bed he hies him, and soon his senses 

loses. 
And till the bell awakes him he most profoundly 

snoozes. 

The second day is over, — he 's admitted on 

probation ; 
It behooves him to indulge in a litde dissipation. 
So carefully he locks his door, that no one may in- 
vade. 
And then, like Toots, he drinks a glass of the 

strongest — lemonade ; 
And, growing bold with courage, assumes a dashing, 

jaunty air, — 
Has an idea of learning how to smoke and how to 

swear. 
And, filled with self-importance, he boldly seeks the 

road 
That reconducts his footsteps to his fondly loved 

abode. 



18 



He spends his long vacation there ; he strives him- 
self to render 

The idol of the village belles ; he is a warm de- 
fender 

Of his own loved Alma Mater. If he sees his 
former friends, 

His new-born Freshman dignity not a tittle e'er de- 
scends. 

But he instantly begins to cut w^homever now he 
meets, — 

Himself the most egregious ass that w^alks the 
village streets. 

And when vacation 's over, and he returns to 
College, 

His father sagely counsels him to acquire naught but 
knowledge ; — 

Smoking, swearing, drinking, must be eschewed 
for ever. 

And to ''study hard and take a part" he must 
earnestly endeavour. 

He prepares for his departure, — but he must, ere 
he repair 

To the ''classic shades," et ccetera^ — visit his 
" ladye fayre." 



19 



He makes his farewell call, and in her gentle ear 

He swears that in his ''heart of hearts " she ne'er 
shall have compeer. 

Taking his farewell kiss, swearing that he '11 be true. 

Vowing fidelity for aye, he bids his love adieu. 

She waves her 'kerchief to him as he gallops down 
the street, 

And sings a woful ditty about dying at his feet. 

But the poor, hapless maiden would of reason be be- 
reft. 

If, thinking it ''all right," she found it "over the 
left"; 

Could she but view her lover's heart and read the 
falsehood there, 

Could his perfidy but be exposed, his treachery 
laid bare, 

'T would her pictured happiness destroy, her bright- 
est dreams dispel, — 

Show her Humbug as love's essence, — ever a po- 
tent spell. 

Arrived at Harvard, straightway he adopts the 
bulletin's advice. 
And buys his books at the College Store, all "at 
the lowest price " (?) ; 



20 



Since all his cash in buying them he has managed 

to exhaust. 
He sells his old clothes to licoxo) * for a tenth of the 

prime cost ; 
Then devotes himself to study, with a steady, 

earnest zeal. 
And scorns an ''Interlinear," or a ''Pony's" 

meek appeal ; 
Resolves that he will be, in spite of toil or of fatigue, 
That humbug of all humbugs, the staid, inveterate 

And though to mar his enterprise no one will e'er 

attempt. 
Yet still there is a torture whence no Freshman is 

exempt. 
At midnight treacherous Sophomores, in conspiracy 

convening, — 
But hold ! — perhaps a parody will best express my 

meaning. 

Under sheets of clean linen lay the young Fresh ; 

The hole in the window let in the night w^ind. 
Yet watch- worn and w^eary he lustily snored, 

And visions of college life danced o'er his mind. 

* The orthography of this word being doubtful. I have preferred to use the 
Greek character. 



21 



He dreamed of his home, of his pa and his ma. 

And the loaf of plum-cake they sent him that 
morn ; 
Of the rooster, whose meals he was wont to prepare, 
And the little Scotch terrier, now sad and forlorn. 

Then Gammon her quizzical pinions spread wide. 
And bade the young Freshman in ecstasy rise ; 

A mind's panorama oped, free of expense, 

And his governor's brick domicile blesses his eyes. 

The geranium-pots bloom in the window-seat still. 
And the cats make a noise on ''the top of the 
roof," 
The little pigs squeal to hail the young heir. 

And the mare in the stall paws the ground with 
her hoof. 

A father surveys him through silver-bowed specs ; 

A mother low courtesies, '' in style," — a la Fran- 
paise ; 
He flies to the maiden his bosom holds dear. 

He kisses, embraces, and "je vous laisse 



22 



The heart of the Freshman beats high in his breast ; 

He thinks the term 's over, — vacation has 
come, — 
And, kicking the bed-clothes, exuhingly cries, 

" Mint-juleps and Principes! is n't this 'rum' ? " 



Ah ! whence is that light which now dazzles his 
eye ? 
Ah ! what is that sound which now startles his 



'T is the Sophomores rushing the Freshmen to 
haze ! 
'T is the Sophomores' wild, demoniac cheer ! 

He springs from his bedstead ; he flies to the door ; 

Amazement confronts him with Sophomores dire ; 
Torpedoes are ruthlessly thrown on the floor, — 

His matches and candles are flung to the fire. 

Like maniacs let loose, his tormentors still yell; 

In vain the lost Fresh calls on Proctors for help ; 
Unseen boots of Sophs attack in the rear, 

And their clamor is drowning the poor victim's 
yelp. 



23 



O Freshman ! O, woe to thy dream of delight ! 

Like ice in the sun mehs thy frostwork of bliss ! 
Where now is the vision thy fancy touched bright 

Of thy sire ''shelling out," — thy loved one's 
fond kiss ? 

O victimized Freshman ! never again 

Leave unbolted your door when to rest you 
retire, 
And, unhazed and unmartyred, you proudly may 
scorn 
Those foes to all Freshmen who 'gainst thee 
conspire. 

No Soph shall e'er plead to his classmates for thee, 
Or redeem thy poor frame from their merciless 
rage. 

But the smashing of glass shall thy serenade be. 
And the creaking of leather thy foemen presage. 

By the cool college pump shall thy corpus be laid. 
And on thy nude limbs the free water shall pour, 

Till, worn and exhausted, they carry thee back. 
And deposit thy carcass inside of thy door. 



24 

Perchance on a sick-bed for weeks thou mayst lie. 
And thy doctor ex more thy torture prolong ; 

Still thy anguish perhaps will a lesson convey, — 
Thou 'It have learnt how to ''suffer," — if not 
to ''be strong." 

About this time to his father his first letter he 
indites. 
And somewhat in this style the verdant, serious 

Freshman wrhes : — 
" Dear Pa : I write, ' as in duty bound,' to say that 
I received 

Your letter of the twenty-first, and ' its import I per- 
ceived.' 

You wish that I should write to you a full and com- 
plete account 

Of my hfe thus far at Harvard ; with pleasure will I 
recount 

All that as yet has happened ; imprimis at the foot- 
ball sport. 

Where I anticipated pleasure, I was severely hurt ; 

And when I did remonstrate, and asked them why 
't was done. 

They said that my anxious mother should have 
warned me of such fun, 



25 



And with a pitying, sneering laugh, and with a 
haughty stare. 

Remarked that boys must stay at home, nor taste 
the evening air. 

I 've been assaulted in my room, — my matches 
have been wasted ; 

For quoting Scripture to my foes, I 've been se- 
verely basted. 

Drinking is very prevalent, and oaths are free and 
plenty ; 

As for cigars, some Sophomores can daily smoke 
their twenty. 

Church-members are like 'angels' visits,' and tracts 
are seldom seen ; 

And sober, moral men, like me, are reckoned rather 
' green.' 

To heed your fostering counsels I '11 earnestly en- 
deavour. 

Permit me to subscribe myself, 

Your loving son, as ever." 

Our hero 's not long verdant ; when his eyes are 
opened wide, 
He ''makes up" for past" digging"; and then, 
ah ! woe betide 



26 



The pockets of his governor! The serious, steady 
youth, 

Last year a mere epitome of temperance and of truth. 

Becomes, by Humbug's influence, the veriest, sad- 
dest rake, 

That e'er tried to make night hideous, or watch- 
man's head to break. 

The fall is never sudden, but 't is effected by de- 
grees ; 

As gradually as fall the leaves stirred by the autumn 
breeze. 

We '11 view the initial step in sin, — '' the first gleam 
of evil's star " ; 

We '11 observe our erring hero as he smokes his 
first cigar. 

With fearful agitation, with a pale, cadaverous face, 

He smokes, if not with awkwardness, most certainly 
not with grace. 

He wonders if it ever entered Sir Walter Raleigh's 
head, 

(Who first used the ''filthy weed" 'gainst which 
the Author-King inveighed,) 

That by his fell discovery full many a luckless wight 

Would feel the tortures of the damned ; that every 
proselyte 



27 



That bent before tobacco's shrine, that rejoiced to 
take a smoke. 

The '' stomach demons " by that act did unwitting- 
ly provoke ; 

That those horrible sensations, which we call ventri 
dolores^ 

Would be propagated chiefly by Manuel A mores. 

And when his smoking 's over, and his toilette he 's 
adjusting, 

His inner man begins to feel a pain that 's quite dis- 
gusting. 

But why relate a twice-told tale ? He 's in trouble 
for an hour. 

And then, as drooping plants revive after a hearty 
shower, 

He feels relieved, and banishes all remembrance of 
his pain ; 

Having passed the fatal ordeal, Fresh is ^' himself 
again." 

We '11 inspect our Freshman hero when first him- 
self he shaves ; 
How at each deep cut the razor makes he furiously 



28 



He loudly curses Sheffield steel as mortals' worst 
affliction. 

And on '^ MacdaniePs best improved" he mutters 
malediction. 

He cuts and scrapes and pulls and hacks ; his face 
the while still bleeding, — 

Each fearful gash the one before by half an inch 
exceeding. 

And when the awful job is o'er, he can't find the 
wished court-plaster ; 

Fortunio's fairy-given slave, Lightfoot, ne'er ran faster 

Than runs our hero swiftly to the neighbouring drug- 
gist's store ; 

2-40-like he rushes in, and commences to implore 

For the assuaging piaster, and his sufferings to recite, 

Boasting as '^rueful" a ''countenance" as famed 
La Mancha's knight, — 

While the '' lookers on in Venice " survey the 
mirth-fraught scene. 

And quiz the verdant Freshman, and joke his sad- 
dened, downcast mien. 

The soft emollient purchased, he returns his room 
to seek. 

Nor once again he shaves him for full many a long, 
long week. 



29 

Perhaps our hero feels inspired, and fain would 

woo the Muses, — 
And metre, rhyme, and reason he most horribly 

misuses. 
His theme at first, of course, is love ; he inscribes 

some verses poor 
To some love-gift from his chosen fair, — some 

Freshman's gage d''amour. 
His sad experience well could tell what nonsense 

't is to rhyme ; 
'T is indeed a '' waste of patience," but much more 

a ^' waste of time." 
Perchance he hails that '' conscious moon," or 

salutes the evening star ; 
Sings of some most daring lover, — some Italian 

Lochinvar. 
'T is usually written in a state of desperation ; 
'T is very soft and flowery; — I '11 try an imitation. 

'^ Wilt come with me, fair lady ? 

Wilt share a soldier's lot } 
Wilt leave thy lordly palace 

For poor and lowly cot ? 
No luxury can I proffer. 

Gold-bought from choicest mart, — 



30 

One only gift I offer, — 

An undivided heart." 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the summer breeze. 
Thus wooed fair Mantua's maiden 

The gallant Genoese. 

'' Thy father proud may chide thee. 

And repulse his daughter fair, — 
But with thee, my love, beside me. 

His reproaches I can bear. 
Meet me at eventide, love ; 

Come to my lowly cot, 
And sw^ear, whate'er may chance thee, 

Thou 'It share a soldier's lot." 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the summer breeze. 
He kissed fair Mantua's maiden, — 

That daring Genoese. 

'^ I 've no ducats nor no rent-roll 
Wherewith to claim thee, sw^eet ; 

No vassals nor no handmaids 
Their lady fair will greet ; 



31 

But a heart that is no truant 

Is dedicate to thee, — 
That from its beauteous lady liege 

Sweareth it ne'er will flee." 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the summer breeze. 
Thus vowed to Mantua's maiden 

That loyal Genoese. 

" Though Milan's maid may tempt me, 

Or Padua's dame invite. 
Their favors and caresses 

For thee, my love, I 'd slight, — 
Would scorn the gemmed tiara. 

The diadem pass by ; 
Thine eye their boasted beauty. 

Their lustre, can outvie." 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the summer breeze, 
Thus sued to Mantua's maiden 

That earnest Genoese. 

'' I fear no foe's stiletto. 
No coward's threat I heed ; 



32 

No danger can appall me, — 

No peril e'er impede. 
Swear on the holy cross, love. 

To share my poor career, 
Through weal or woe to prove thyself 

Still trusting and sincere." 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the sumnv r breeze, 
Besought fair Mantua's maiden 

The t ardent Genoese. 



She kissed his dagrer cross-hilt, 

Her holy vow she breathed, 
And trustingly upon his lips 

Her bridal kiss she wreathed ; 
And to her lover's keeping. 

In sight of highest Heaven, 
With all a maiden's purity 

Her virgin heart was given. 
The while amid the greenwood 

Whistled the summer breeze. 
Fair Mantua's maiden swore to wed 

Her Icving Genoese. 



33 

That even to the trysting-tree 

The maiden gladly hied ; 
The cavaher on swiftest steed 

Bore off his Mantuan bride. 
And as they passed her father's halls, 

Loud rose her lover's shout 
O'er all the furious wassail din : — 

^^ Call all thy vassals out ! 
Arm thy retainers, dotard ! 

Fling thy banner to the breeze ! 
For Mantua's maid has fled her sire 

To wed her Genoese ! " 

He now affects the opera ; says Snooksini is his 

pet ; 
Wears immaculate white kids, and sports a double 

sized lorgnette ; 
Says at Snooksini's benefit her " troops of friends " 

must "^ rally " ; 
Perchance he ardently admires the sweet, seductive 

ballet ; 
Talks of tours de force and pirouettes; he quotes 

from each new play ; 
He catches an operatic air, and hums it all the day. 



34 



While some Italian gallows-birds, some scoundrel 
lazaroni. 

Some friendless, houseless vagabonds add to their 
names an om. 

Let their mass of hair make up for brains, daily 
'' salute their glass," 

And, slightly skilled in ''silver sounds," but en- 
dowed much more with brass^ 

Humbug our Fresh, who little thinks, unsophisticat- 
ed dupe. 

That who 's a primo basso here, in Italy 's a 
" supe," 

Or a claqueur^ paid to applaud at every new concoc- 
tion, — 

But here, the lion of the day, his tickets puts at 
auction ; 

His fame is duly trumpeted to all Boston's eager 
ears ; 

Even the Bite Tavern wakens from its lethargy of 
years ; — 

And the Italian charlatan, versed in naught save to 
deceive, 

And very '' sharp " to catch a '' flat," laughs ex- 
ulting in his sleeve, — 



35 



Henceforth to glorious Humbug his sole allegiance 

gives, 
And, protected by her sage advice, he like a — Bar- 

num lives. 

'T were useless to note his progress through the 
Sophomoric year ; 

As well search for Sir John Franklin, — trace Lola 
Montes' career, — 

Ask why religious jurymen themselves to praying 
yield, — 

Or S. P. Townsend in despair has given up '' the 
field " ; 

It were an oft-repeated tale, and to our theme irrele- 
vant. 

To shorten a long story, our hero '' sees the ele- 
phant." 

To show how great, how fell, a change o'er the stu- 
dent's mind has passed 

Since we have seen his first epistle, shall we peruse 
his last ? 

'^ Dear Governor : How 're you off for cash ? 
How stands it with the stumpy ? 

Why have n't I received the tin ? Hast got the 
blues ? Art dumpy ? 



36 



Please ' pony up,' — I 'm rather short. Why 
art so long about it ? 

I Ve pledged niy word so oft, that creditors begin 
to doubt it. 

Art growing careful of the ready ? Will the sup- 
plies e'er fail ? 

'Because thou art grown virtuous,' are there 'no 
more cakes and ale ' ? 

Just think ' on all my glorious hopes and all my 
young renown,' 

And by the very next express the needful send to 
town, — 

For I 've many scores of duns who 're any thing 
but lenient. 

Your used up son. 

P. S. As soon as is convenient." 

And thus he enters college, and thus at last he takes 
his leave ; 

Though rosy bright at morning, there are gathering 
clouds at eve. 

'T is Humbug guards his destiny, henceforth, as 
heretofore ; 

We '11 drop the mystic curtain, — - and, like Caw- 
dor, ''see no more." 



37 

'T is time that I should finish this crude and most 
imperfect strain, 

'' Cut off the water ^^ [of Helicon], — descend to 
prose again. 

Let me speak a heartfelt wish ere this doggerel I 
conclude ; — 

Believe me, 't is an honest one, though expressed in 
sentence rude. 

All hail to our Iadma ! — its course be onward 
ever ! 

Be it hke Gonzalo's falchion, " contaminated never." 

Be it no brief ephemeral, decayed as soon as born, 

A " peerless flower " at midnight, and withered at 
the morn : — 

May a congenial spirit unite us when divided : — 

Be we faithful to our '' Union," though we 're per- 
chance '' misguided " ; 

Be the '' even tenor of our way " like the unruffled 
stream, — 

Undisturbed by " rude commotion," — sweet as 
midsummer dream. 

And like the exhausted sailor, — the veteran of the 
seas, — 

Who for many tedious years '' has braved the bat- 
tle and the breeze," : — 
4 



38 



May we, like him, " laid up in port," sow the fruit- 
ful seed betimes, 

And, when '' life's fitful fever 's o'er," meet we in 
happier climes ! — 

And since we 've hailed the fraction, O, let one ear- 
nest wish ensue : — 

Prosperity to the integer, — the class of ' 52 ! 



/ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



029 934 665 1 




